fuck, fuck, fuck
today would have been my anniversary.
i didn't realise until i was at work, and saw the date. i should have realised- i think i had remembered a couple of weeks ago, when graduation season kicked off at work. but i'd forgotten again, clearly. it fucking sucks that the memory of my graduation is ruined because of this. in all the photos, i'm holding up my left hand.
i don't know how i'm feeling right now, but it's not good
“I like your hat. I want to drink champagne with you in Paris. Or peel off some wallpaper in an ancient hotel and make each room into a suite themed by a particular genre of electronic music. the dubstep room, the trance room, the DNB, the noise. The noise room would be full of crumpled up paper maché animals lit on fire; trance room would have free bottles of 5HTP in the mini-bar..
dark like a panther of the jungle,
i…i have no words!
was pretty fuckin’ stunning <3
After getting driven to Norwich by my auntie, who talked to me the whole way about reincarnation and reiki and all other kinds of weird shit, i got to JEllie’s, ate far too much white rice, and then went to see Sucker Punch, sans Charlie who was cataloguing his entire book collection (totally a legitimate reason not to come out and play!). the film was pretty, but i can’t help but feel like i actually bought a ticket to one of zack snyder’s wet dreams. ew.
bought the art book from forbidden planet today, though. it’s signed :D and i didn’t buy any blind boxes! yay for responsible me #yeahright
went to the black horse after and tried to spot my potential new flat along the way- being lilac, i would have thought it’d stand out, but i couldn’t spot it and, well, the pub was calling. it was pretty packed with gamessoc folks but i got to say hello to nat, jack, tarnia, and dan before settling at a table with ellie, will and a cup full of gummy bears (they serve GUMMY BEARS. by the CUPFULL!) Will talked of running some kind of all-girl, all-steampunk, all-the-time tabletop game and i told him FUCK YEAH! so will hopefully get to start gaming as soon as i move back, another Yay! Ellie also resigned herself to the fact that Robin isn’t going to stop playing Theodore (the gentleman doctor he takes to Maelstrom, a festival larp) but FINALLY agreed that that’s cool, she can come and play with me and will :D although it’s going to take a while to raise the funds for costumes, travel and possible a shisha tent, we’re going to go and play as a group of Desperate Romantics trying to find patrons for our shitty art and poetry (i actually ordered the BBC series we’re going to be heavily based on there in the pub on my iphone, how i love technology!) i am so, so excited by this prospect, though. imma get to wear a lacy shirt and tight trousers in the day time, and a fez by night :D
my voice was pretty much spent by this point, so i went home and cosied up in the sloth enclosure (JEllie’s spare room!) in my stitch pjyamas (<3) before getting up at about 11 and heading into town sans Robin to check out the Little Vintage Lover Fair at Dragon Hall, and the Larp Awareness Party (a kit fayre, basically!) at the Waterfront next door. Along the way we found there was a Clutter City (the art school’s craft and fashion fair) which was pretty amazing as i’d come up to norwich a few months ago purely to visit one and we just couldn’t find the damn place :/ (it turns out the arts college is in the church near to Top Hat, so i got to buy a last-minute wig for next weekend’s Silhouette cosplay (Yay! once again)) I won a sock creature in the lucky dip, and bought a pistachio and matcha powder whoopie pie which was like sex, only totally vegan. i picked up a tonne of business cards, postcards and stickers and plan to look up a lot of the vendors online when i have more money for things like cameo sweater guards with swarovski crystals (<3), but i think i might have also picked up a flyer for a vintage wedding fair and don’t want to even look at that kind of shit right now. anyway.
it was a loooong trek to dragon hall, but we spotted the folks in WWII costume from a way down the road and knew it would be worth it :D i only ended up buying a cupcake with blueberries and edible glitter, and two romance novels with really pulpy covers that i’m going to display in the future!flat, but ellie got a beautifully beaten-up art deco style wooden chest that i suggested she store her BPAL in, and a creepy nuclear test village-looking child’s slate and abacus, which will surely turn up as set dressing in a zombie game of some kind at some point! there was a DJ playing old wartime tunes and i really wished they’d used some of the space for dancing; i’m desperate to go to a tea dance in the spiegeltent in may, but lack a partner. a stallholder said she liked my new brown dress with the black peter pan collar, which was lovely, as i love it a great deal, even if it was from the new look sale :P there were also some truly bizarre creations made from vintage fabrics, mostly pill box hats that looked like, um, bowls of salad?! less fabric on sale than i was hoping for, though, as all the really kitschy prints had been turned into cushion covers and other things i’d rather just make myself than buy.
after our cupcakes (served on vintage saucers, another thing i wanted for the wed- OH GOD JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT) we skipped about 5 yards down the road and bumped into pretty much every person we know at the larp fayre- my presence was a surprise to most so i got to enjoy telling people that I’LL BE BACK and very, very soon :) no-one said anything like ‘damn!’, i promise :P and dave told me he loved my facebook picture so i got to pimp alex’s artwork a little, something i’m trying harder to do as she is entirely deserving. once inside, i started a raging internal debate over whether or not i should be coveting the cloaks and things made from rabbit fur as hard as i was…we quickly left the hall of things-i-couldn’t-afford-anyway and got tackled by a chap selling zombie stuff upstairs, who turned out to be the brains (heh) behind Zombiefest, a 2-day event which combines a film festival with a day of zombie larping in a themed setting. last year was wild west, which was hella tempting, but this year is Dia De Los Muertos, so i am SO THERE :D i entered a competition to win a Zombie Strippers poster signed by Jenna Jaimeson, but i don’t think i won. i’m not sure how to feel about that!
the next couple of hours are a bit of a blur as by this point i had a terrible headache to go with my lost voice (which was causing me a lot of embarassment in shops, on buses etc.- no-one seemed to think i was infectious, but a few looked at me as though i’d been through a horrible ordeal a la Godfather in Generation Kill). I know that Ellie made pizza with about 2 tubes’ worth of tomato puree (OM NOM) and we watched some of Jonah Hex (i was at least awake enough at this point to catch the part where it’s explained why his brand mark looks absolutely nothing like a brand mark). I woke up in the sloth enclosure at 8.30, read The Dead-Tossed Waves, which is the sequel to The Forest of Hands and Teeth, and pretty awesome, then headed to Charlie’s housewarming party when Ellie returned from her karaoke hen night.
i was feeling worse than i was willing to admit to. but chocolate cake with guinness in, vodka with cloudy apple juice, and a pink furry blanket were offered swiftly (i can always find the blankets in anyone’s house, regardless of whether or not i’ve been there before *spooky ghost noise*). there was disney music playing in the living room (due some kind of mac-related sorcery i was at an absolute loss to explain or control, despite whatever robin might suspect!) and we watched the latest episode of Charlie’s webseries on the huge tv, and talked about Reality Is Broken (must order from the library…) and drew on each other with tattoo pens, which lead to many a wonderful exchange when folks told charlie they had to leave around midnight, and he could look at his wrist and tell them ‘it’s only Anchor past I Love Mother! :D:D:D:D although i was only there for a couple of hours at most, i had a really, really awesome time- just talking about things that only my friends in norwich ever talk about <3 when we had to leave (robin had nodded off at least twice- NOT ME, for like the first time ever!) charlie let me keep the pen i’d been caught playing with, which is bright yellow with blue and green spots and a tree frog on the top that moves when you write with it <3
i left this morning, feeling better than i have in a long time, because i get to go back. charlie’s going to throw a jelly and ice cream party, and i get to dress up as ‘what i wanted to be when i was 9’ (which is either peter pan or an archaelogist!), everyone wants to hear about Kapow! when i get back, and i left a bunch of shitty horror movies in JEllie’s living room so they have to let me back in the sloth enclosure :P i just hope this meeting with Theo tomorrow to discuss rent and furntiture and other scary grown up things goes smoothly. I WANT TO GO HOME!!
I got a new job on Friday. It's only 20 hours a week, and involves a degree of responsibility that I'm totally freaked out about- I applied knowing that I was under-qualified and was shocked to get invited to the interview, let alone an offer. But it's in Norwich *and* in a library, two things I never thought I'd be lucky enough to get at once. Mum and Paw are calling it "the start of my career". Robin and Ellie have started calling their 2nd spare room "the sloth enclosure". What a difference 10 months make- this time last May, everyone, myself included, thought I wasn't going to get my degree.
I've done good- I *know* I've done good.
Still. I'm puzzled as to when I started judging my- what? 'success', 'satisfaction', 'quality of life'?- on whether or not I had a boyfriend. Sigh- I'm honestly not *quite* that teenage. If anyone within my earshot dared to bemoan the fact they were single after getting a bitchin' job, the opportunity to stay with friends, and a hand up the metaphysical rolling-ladder-in-the-bookshop-in-the-opening-musical-number-of-you-know-exactly-which-disney-movie, I'm sure I'd say something pretty fuckin' harsh to them. I'd certainly think it. Desperate Fuckin' Romantics.
Yet my ego is letting me down- and it's letting me down All The Fucking Time. When you're in a relationship- let alone an engagement, heck, even a pretty bad relationship- you have...assurance (the best word for it, I think, as I'm never so confident as to call anything 'proof'). That you're a person who it is firstly possible, and then enjoyable to love. When I was engaged, I felt safe. There was a person who had chosen to love only me for the rest of our lives- me out of everybody else on the fuckin' planet. When he broke that engagement, I felt sick. I was repeatedly physically sick. And then I just felt ugly- because what he had done was the same as saying that while he would once have chosen me over everyone, ever, he would now rather have anyone else except for me. My ego can't swallow something that sharp without choking. Especially after a diet of sweet things- a new caring family. regular little, and unexpected big, presents. long, warm arms on strong shoulders. new pets. sex. I've learnt not to underestimate how painful a sudden lack of physical contact is. Christ, I've learned.
At least when these feelings start it doesn't take me long to get very, very angry. I'm meant to be A Strong Woman. I *want*, desperately, to be A Strong Woman. Everything (that is, everything that isn't a dark-thought-in-the-night) points to the fact that I *already am*- I swear I only cried about the fuckin' thing twice. And I have gone and gotten a new job, a place to stay, and a whole new fuckin' World Of Opportunity. The *only* thing I don't have, if we're discounting a puppy, a 20 inch waist and a Disneyland ticket, is a boyfriend. And some of that fuckin' Assurance- that I'm not impossible to love. That it was only one (and, let's be brutal, less than perfect) person who couldn't love me.
That I'm not- I can barely type this, that I'm not, that I'm not...."Damaged Goods".
That's the other thing my ego hates. Before I met Rich, I was a virgin. Now I have an Ex-Fiancé, and what is commonly known as A Past, sometimes as A Rocky Past, or A Difficult Past. It feels like a yoke around my neck, and I want someone to take it away, and I seem to expect that to happen around the same time as someone picks me up, spins me around, kisses me, and carries me up a staircase in a southern mansion. Heh.
I've started praying that when people start to hear I have an ex-fiancé, they won't think anything more than "she must not have been with the right person". Maybe one or two might think that "he made a mistake"- maybe "he did not deserve her", if I'm lucky. Not "there must be Something Wrong With Her". Please not that. Please, God, Not that. Not that.
today it seems like everyone I know, from family to workmates to friends to facebook friends, is doing fantastically. my dad passed an exam today. my brother passed his driving theory. a friend got a very well paid job. my mum got a signed picture of a celebrity in the post (i shit you not). others are getting new houses and housemates. getting into new relationships. i'm too selfish to be happy about any of it.
it's been two and half weeks since my engagement was broken, and the future i'd set my heart and soul on was taken away from me. 8 months since i watched my nanny die of starvation over 8 days, and i still feel split into bits by the nightmares, panic attacks and other symptoms of anxiety i just can't shake. my grandfather was just buried, and my dad looks and sounds like he's aged 10 years in the last two weeks. i have three and a half days worth of work booked for the entire month of march. i have minus £836 in my bank account. i'm living in a room in my parent's house, miles away from friends who i can't afford to visit. i'm already past the point by which i should declare myself as disabled on job applications (6 months or more on medication). i'm not hearing back from jobs where i meet, and often exceed, every criteria listed on the application. i can't start a real career- i'd love to do an MA in the Heritage sector, or info services, or take some TEFL courses- because i can't afford the necessary training. i'm lost. i'm just really lost.